Hold my Heart
by saviourshope
Summary: How will Kate and Rick manage to be in a relationship with all that has happened and is yet to come? Follow up of my one-shot "Happily Ever After?". Based on the episodes that aired after Once Upon a Crime.
1. Chapter 1  A Dance With Death

**Hold my Heart**

_**A/N:**__ The first part of this story is the lyrics to Christina Perris "Arms" that inspired the title too. The song reminds me a lot of Castle and Beckett and I really love it so I thought, why not =)_

_The story is a follow up of my one-shot __**"Happily Ever After**__?" and I try to update it after each new episode, meaning, I want to follow the normal storyline as much as possible only with the fact that here our favourite crime solving duo is a step further already =)_

_I hope you'll enjoy it and don't worry, I'll also keep writing on __**"Twist of Fate"**__, I just need a more Casketty fanfic to write as well xD (Not that the other one isn't going that way ;D)_

_**Disclaimer**: I do not own the characters! They are ABCs and our beloved Marlow's and I know he'll do the right thing with them xD)_

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><p><strong>Arms<strong>

i never thought that

you would be the one to hold my heart

but you came around and you knocked me

off the ground from the start

you put your arms around me

and i believe that it's easier for you

to let me go

you put your arms around me

and i'm home

how many times will you

let me change my mind

and turn around

i can't decide if i'll let you

save my life or if i'll drown

i hope that you see right through my walls

i hope that you catch me

cause i'm already falling

i'll never let a love get so close

you put your arms around me and i'm home

the world is coming down on me

and i can't find a reason to be loved

i never want to leave you but

i can't make you bleed if i'm alone

you put your arms around me

and i believe that it's easier for you

to let me go

i hope that you see right through my walls

i hope that you catch me

cause i'm already falling

i'll never let a love get so close

you put your arms around me and i'm home

i tried my best to never let you

in to see the truth

and i've never opened up

i've never truly loved till

you put your arms around me

and i believe that it's easier for you

to let me go

i hope that you see right through my walls

i hope that you catch me

cause i'm already falling

i'll never let a love get so close

you put your arms around me and i'm home

you put your arms around me and i'm home

* * *

><p>He still couldn't really believe what had happened the other night, that she had actually kissed him and that she didn't pretended it didn't happen.<p>

They weren't much different from before. When he went to the precinct, he still brought her coffee, she still smiled at him the same way and no one knew that something more was developing between them. Not that they didn't know what was going on between him and Kate but they didn't suspect that the two were taking it to a new level, slowly though, but still, it was progress.

* * *

><p>After she had left and he had closed the door behind him – still utterly over the moon – he wondered what would happen the next day. He had almost been scared to go to the precinct but there was no need because the moment Kate got home, she had sent him a text, saying good night again and a kiss. His amazement was huge, but he was sure as hell not going to complain. Had his mother told him that her suggestion of a date would end like this, he would never have believed her. And yet, this happened and he was the happiest man on the planet.<p>

He'd shown up with his usual two cups of coffee the next day and Kate beamed at him. She didn't kiss him, of course, but she "accidentally" brushed his fingers when taking the cup.

He had smiled back at her and both of them knew that the step Kate had made the night before would not be reversed. She was going to stick to it, she was going to really give it a try and well, dive into it.

There was still so much to be done and so much to be said but it was a start. The first moment they were alone, Kate took him to the break room and told him that she was not going to deny what had happened but that she still needed time, that she wanted this but that she could only take small steps.

He had smiled at her and nodded. "It's enough for now," he had said and gently stroked her cheek. And it _was_ enough for now, he was sure of that because it was already more than he had ever dared to hope for. After the summer he had been sure that she was going to push him away, he was sure that she would only ever see him as her partner, her best friend but now he knew that it was more and no matter how much time she needed, knowing that she wanted it was good enough for him.

Now, a few days after their "first" kiss, they were still pacing slowly. She sometimes allowed him to steal a quick kiss but it was never more than the one she'd given him before she'd left his loft. Gates had given her a lot of paperwork so she was busy a lot and they didn't get many chances of being alone, even the evenings were kind of packed with other things. But she still gave him the open hearted smiles, she still teased him and she still showed her affection in every way possible; a light squeeze of his hand when no one saw it or rushing past him a little too close so she would brush against him or listening even more closely than she already did.

He'd invited her for dinner with his family once during those few days but she'd already had plans and couldn't make it and then, the next day their new case came in. The Night of Dance contestant Odette Morton. They didn't really have time there either but working on a case they somehow had their own rhythm and Kate had agreed to have dinner with him that day.

That was where they were now, sitting at the dining room table with his family. He was truly happy now, he had his three favourite girls by his side.

He noticed that Alexis was very observing and had him and Kate under surveillance all the time. Castle knew that Alexis wasn't quite sure what to think. She liked Kate and she knew how much her father loved her but she just couldn't quite wrap her head around everything. But she didn't know yet that the night of her grandmother's play had actually changed something. She was sure that Kate liked her father but she didn't know how much and she just didn't want him to get hurt. Of course she knew by now that the detective would do anything to get her father out of trouble, the hostage situation in the bank a few months back had proven that but was it enough?

Watching her father and Kate now she realised that it was. Kate was so open with him around, she laughed a lot and Alexis also noticed that the detective touched Castle's hand more often than probably necessary. She hid a smile, continued eating and tried to follow her father's story.

He was talking about the new case, told her and his mother about what had happened and he especially liked to point out that Lanie loved the show.

Kate smirked at that.

"I think you liked her reason more than the fact that she watches it…" she said teasingly.

"Hey, you were the one interpreting things into what I said, not I!"

She raised an eyebrow but smiled broadly. "Yeah right…I still think it's true."

Alexis looked up from her plate and looked at Kate questioningly but the latter one lightly shook her head, inclining she didn't want to know.

"Hey, remember when I overheard about my dad's…well…relationships? I think I can handle everything else now…"

Kate made a face at the memory of her telling Castle to sleep with whomever he wanted and then realising Alexis had overheard that and Castle himself squirmed a little too at the mention.

"I guess you're right though…" Kate said and grinned. "You know, he was just saying that there should be some more top-heavy ballerinas out there."

"And I didn't mean it _that_ way…" he explained himself again but Alexis was already laughing. Yes, it was so typically her father.

After dinner they cleared the table, Martha and Alexis volunteering to do the dishes although Kate protested heavily – with no success.

Castle took their wine glasses and led her to the couch where they both sat down. He placed the glasses on the coffee table, leaned back on the couch and placed his arm behind Beckett. She smiled and lightly leaned into him. She loved being so close to him, she could smell cologne and most importantly, him. She breathed in the scent and an almost silent sigh escaped her mouth. Castle lightly began to stroke up and down her arm and made her shiver.

"Thanks for coming over," he said and she turned her head to look at him.

"You know I love spending time with your family. Your mom and Alexis are great fun to be around and you are not so bad either."

He could hear the smile in her voice and poked her lightly. "Now you hurt my feelings, detective," he teased and placed a kiss on the top of her head.

"Dad? I'm off to bed." The voice of Castle's daughter made Kate stiffen beside him, knowing that the way they sat there could not be mistaken for "just partners". When both her and Castle turned their heads to look at Alexis, the girl smiled at them. Kate smiled back in a "This isn't what it looks like-oh wait, it is what it looks like" kind of way with a hint of an apology as well that Alexis almost felt bad for interrupting. She gave Kate a reassuring smile. Her dad was happy and that was all that mattered to her. Also, she was pretty sure that Kate wasn't the person to just get into something for the sake of it but because she really wanted it.

"Good night, you two," she now said and then walked away to give them their privacy.

Kate immediately buried her face in the crook of Rick's neck, embarrassed from the moment before. "What's wrong?" he asked but she shook her head, not wanting to respond. "Kate, if it's Alexis, don't worry. She's been observing us all evening, she knew already."

She lifted her head to look at him. "Like father, like daughter, huh," she stated but smiled. "It's just so… strange, you know. I mean, this is still so new and I kind of don't know what to do and how to deal with all of it," she admitted and Castle looked at her intensely, so that she almost lost herself in the ocean that were his eyes. He was surprised at her honesty because admitting to not being in control was a big deal for Kate Beckett and he appreciated it a lot, also because he didn't feel that much different.

For a few seconds they just looked at each other and then Kate reached up, cupping his cheek in one of her hands, lightly caressing it with her thumb. Then she kissed him. Lightly first, like the last few kisses but it grew into a passionate kiss that left her almost kneeling above him.

She was the one to break the kiss though, knowing that she wasn't ready for anything that might have followed. She sat down again, nestling herself into him again, resting her head on his chest while he went back to stroking her arm.

Sitting there as comfortable as they did, she knew one thing for sure. By taking the first step she had done the one thing that she had tried not to. She had given her heart away, had given it to Castle and she knew it left her more vulnerable than ever. He was the one who held her heart in his hands now, he was the one who would only need to squeeze it a bit to break it but she also knew something else and that was, that she was okay with it, that she felt save and that she felt home.

* * *

><p>While they were still working on the case, they allowed themselves some more private moments. Kate had tried not to because they were after all working and shouldn't get distracted but to her astonishment he could handle it much better than her so that she was again the one to kiss him first. She almost felt pathetic sometimes, being so needy but he was ready to go with it, no matter what. From time to time Kate saw the boys exchange some looks and wasn't sure if they suspected something already. Maybe she actually was a bit too open with her smiles directed at Castle but she didn't care. Even if it was new and even if she'd wanted to well, not keep it secret but keep it under the radar for a while, she kind of couldn't be bothered. She was not going to run around screaming it on top of her lungs but she would not hide her affection anymore either.<p>

She was glad when Ryan didn't let Castle go to the strip club with him and Espo, although she probably shouldn't care, because she knew that Castle would maybe flirt a bit but that it wouldn't be serious and that he was all hers. She knew that and still she was glad. He of course noticed, smiled and after looking around quickly to check if someone was looking, he kissed her swiftly and then pretended as if he'd done nothing.

She smiled at him again and then went back to work. She still didn't get what was going on with this case and she wanted it to be solved and over.

When the boys informed her later of what they had found out and she'd told Castle as well, he disappeared and she already felt his absence. She knew he was just doing some research of his own but she wished he'd stayed in his chair by her desk. Only, there was never enough room for the both of them to work there.

After he'd found out about Odette's little trick with the double she wanted to slap him and kiss him at the same time. _A girls panties on his head? Ignore that, Kate_, she told herself and settled for a plain "You are a genius" that was almost inaudible but made him beam at her.

* * *

><p>As the case began to unfold she was getting more and more impatient. They were all far too busy with the case as that she'd have had time to spend another evening in Rick's company and she really enjoyed those evenings. But the case had priority, that was sure and of all people it was Alexis that reminded her of that when her proud father drew her into a tight hug and she needed to remind him of certain boundaries.<p>

Yes, she needed some boundaries too. In her head at least…

So once the case was finally over, she was relieved. Of course, knowing the killer would be brought to justice was the most important thing but she was also relieved because now she hopefully had some time to rest. The paperwork was the only thing that was left to do.

When she and Castle cleaned the murder board his heart felt light and with every smile Kate threw his way, he got the feeling that he was about to take off. He was also very impressed by the dream she had before becoming a cop. Chief Justice. He'd always known that she belonged in the legal system and although she might not have become the first female Chief Justice she was the one to bring some peace and some justice to the families of the victims. That was quite something too.

After they managed to help Espo get Ryan's ring off, they all went home. Castle asked her if she wanted to come over but she said she needed to go home first but as soon as he had gotten home and his mother had given him the huge box with a manuscript that he couldn't really be bothered reading he called her.

"Miss me already?" she greeted him and he didn't deny it.

"Of course. My offer still stands, I cook you dinner and we can watch a movie. I need a little distraction from the task my mother just gave me."

He heard her laugh at the other end and knew she would come over and after they hung up it didn't take that long until she actually stood at his doorstep.

He had already prepared dinner and they sat down. Martha said she wasn't hungry and Alexis was still with Lanie so the two of them were alone.

"What kind of task is it that you have to do?"

"Read Oona Marconi's manuscript…Mother didn't even ask if I would read it, she just suggested it." Kate laughed again. "I can help you, if you would like," she offered and he beamed at her.

"Kate, you are a star!" he answered cheerfully.

They finished their meal and once again settled down on the couch to watch a movie. Kate was so exhausted from the past few days that after she lightly kissed Rick and settled against his body again, fell tightly asleep, feeling more comfortable and more at home than ever.

* * *

><p><em>So...well...this was kinda weird to write...based on the episode I mean. It's why I have basically no dialouge in it, but I'm sure that'll change over time. <em>

_I think I might write one or the other chapter in between episodes to fill tha gap but as said at the beginning, I also need to update my other story and I also have a lot of college work too. _

_I hope you liked it and I hope you're off to hit the review button xDDD_

xx

May


	2. Chapter 2  47 Seconds

**_A/N: _**_Holy crap_,_ I am soooo dead after _"47 Seconds!" _I did see the promo last week, so I knew what was going to happen but seriously, the case, Caskett, everything was pure perfection! I absolutely love the way they mad Beckett's secret come out! And the music! Man, the scene at the beginning was sad enough but as soon as I heard the music tears were just flowing, I couldn't do anything against it... _

_So, I managed another chapter...It was kinda heart breaking to write this, having them together and then this happens. But I hope you like it anyways =) I don't think I have much more to say only maybe again: I'm NOT a native English speaker and_

_DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own the characters!_

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

She woke up a few hours later, a little disoriented but cosy and warm. She opened her yes, feeling a soft fabric with her hands and when her eyes adjusted to the dark she finally realised where she was.

Castle must have gotten up at some point, putting a pillow under her head and a blanket over her and let her sleep on the couch. She stretched her limbs and slowly sat up to look around the loft in search for Castle. She saw feeble light coming from his office, he probably had just his laptop on so the light would not disturb her and she got up and walked to the office. She leaned against the doorframe to watch him as he was writing on his laptop, looking very concentrated. It made her smile.

Castle had heard her approach but was in the middle of the sentence, so he only looked up when he finished it and saw Kate watching and smiling at him.

"Hey handsome," she said, sleep in her voice that made her voice a little deeper and sexier. "You could have woken me and sent me home."

He smiled. "Not for any price in the world would I have disturbed your sleep. Why are you awake anyway? You should still be sleeping."

His voice had the touch of sweet concern and it made Kate's heart melt. She pushed herself off the doorframe and walked towards him, leaning down to kiss him.

"That's really sweet of you, writer boy," she teased.

Castle set his laptop onto the desk and scooped her around her waist to pull her into a hug that made her land in his lap. She giggled – something that Kate Beckett very, very rarely did – and laid her hands on top of his.

"What are you doing?" she asked and pointed at his computer, knowing very well that he was writing on Frozen Heat – yes, she had been browsing his fanpages again, after all, she was his fan.

He laughed at her, aware of what she actually wanted to know. "Sorry Kate, not gonna happen. You'll get to read it before anyone else anyways but not yet."

When he looked at her she playfully pouted at him and he smiled. He closed the distance between them and kissed her gently on the lips. She couldn't resist him for her life and gave in, kissing him back, making herself more comfortable in his lap. His hand cupped her neck and he could feel the heat of her hands on his chest. Was this really happening? He could hardly believe it, of course it's now been over a week but still, it didn't seem real that Kate was kissing him without it being a means to distract a bad guy but just plain fun that they both wanted. He tasted the softness of her lips, savoured each breath they took together and mostly just enjoyed feeling her so close to him.

When he broke the kiss he just looked at her, lost himself in her green eyes that spoke more than words and he was very, very close to repeating his words from the summer. For some reason though he thought that he'd have to wait, that it might scare her off again and he didn't want that to happen so instead of saying something he let his eyes speak to her. She returned his gaze, holding it and smiled at him.

"You're so beautiful…" he said and saw her blush in the low light that his laptop bestowed and they sat in silence for a while.

"What time is it anyway?" she asked but didn't get an answer right away.

"Castle? Rick?"

"Huh?"

He'd been drifting off into sleep, with her cuddled up in his lap it was an easy thing to do but she'd called him Rick. She almost never did that.

"I think something around 3ish am," he mumbled. "We should probably get some rest."

She nodded. "Yeah, you're right. I'll leave you alone…"

She didn't want to get up but made herself do it but once she stood, Castle grabbed her at her wrist, not letting her go.

"Kate? Stay here?" he asked unsure of whether it was a good idea or not. "I mean…you can stay in the guest room, if you want…" he added, just to make sure she didn't misunderstand anything.

She looked at him a little startled but her expression became soft when she met his eyes.

"I would like that," Kate answered, "I mean, stay here, with you."

* * *

><p>They were in the precinct when the phone call came in. A bomb had gone off at Boylen Placa. It went quiet in the bull pen, when the news hit but then everyone was off, doing what they did best. When Castle and Beckett arrived at the crime scene and saw the huge mess Kate wanted nothing more but to take his hand. She saw how much it got to him and wanted to comfort him. But it wasn't possible, not yet, not when what they had was still so fragile and she wasn't sure if it could hold the pressure of people outside his family knowing about it. So she let it be, only assured him with her looks that she was there for him and she did manage to graze his hand lightly when they got turned away by the FBI guy. He smiled at her, thankfully.<p>

He _was_ thankful to have her around even more during this time, just the way it was for her. They needed each other's support to get through this.

When Kate found Castle staring into nothingness she knew that he wasn't as okay as he said. The case got to him, probably more than he would let on and again, she just wanted to be there for him. She really meant what she said, that she didn't want to put things off anymore. Of course he couldn't know that she was talking about his confession. They were dating now but she still hadn't told him and it nagged at her. Realising – once again – how uncertain every new day was in this world, knowing it could be taken away by just being at the wrong place at the wrong time? It made her want to tell him but like so often they got interrupted again and she didn't get a chance to talk to him alone from that moment on. It was all busy at the precinct, all case related, all work.

Beckett hated it when nothing moved forward, when there were no real leads so when they got to the morgue she was glad that they finally got something but when she saw Alexis, her heart sank. She knew how hard it was to deal with something like that and she wanted nothing more but to help her too. Of course, what the girl needed was her father and there he was.

Kate had gotten to see them together more often lately since she's spent most of her evening's at the loft but it still amazed her to see Castle acting as the grown up, the father that Alexis needed and she loved him even more for this.

When she saw them walking away together she knew she wouldn't see him again at the precinct and would have to wait for the evening. If she went over, that is.

She didn't. There was too much work to do but she knew he needed some rest so she didn't disturb him, not knowing that all the while Castle was at home hoping that she would come or that she would call. Yes, he did need some rest and he wasn't in the mood to go to the precinct but he wanted to just hear her voice. Instead he talked with his mother and it made him think.

She was right, wasn't she, his mother? He should tell Kate how he felt, it was the only right thing to do. Why wait when there was nothing truer than his feelings for her, when all that was holding him back was fear. Didn't his mother just agree, nobody's tomorrow is a guaranteed. He should make the most out of the days he had.

He made a decision before going to bed, he was going to tell her. Maybe. Maybe not though. He had nothing to lose, they were dating already, it could only be a good thing, right? He couldn't resist texting her just to let her know he was okay and that he missed her.

It was enough for her to drop her work for the night and a good twenty minute later she stood once again at his doorstep. She called him instead of knocking since she wasn't sure if she'd disturb the family.

"Can you come open the door?" she said when he picked up the phone.

Castle was surprised that she came over, he didn't think she would but he needed her close, just like he always did, so he got up and walked to the door and when he opened it there she was, his woman, his love, his everything.

He dropped the phone from his ear, took her free hand and pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her head.

"Thanks for coming over," he whispered and she smiled.

"I thought you could use some company."

* * *

><p>When he woke up the next day the space next to him was empty. Kate had gotten up before him again, just like she'd always done the past few times that she'd stayed over. They had fallen asleep in each other's arms the other night, both glad that the other was there, not having any other intentions but to sleep. Of course he wanted her but for the same reason that he had not been sure whether to confess his love again or not he had not made another move towards her and only ever kissed her. And they didn't need more at the moment, it was good the way it was, it was the best way for them, for now.<p>

When he got to the precinct, after taking a shower and picking up coffee, his mind was made up, he wanted this talk, he wanted to finally tell her and he just wanted to hit Ryan for his bad timing. But it was probably better. Why would he start such a conversation in the middle of the precinct anyway and also in the middle of a case.

Kate felt that something big was coming but she didn't know if she was ready to hear it again. It wasn't that she doubted her own feelings but she knew that if he said it again, she'd have to be honest with him, tell him what she hid for almost a year now and she wasn't sure if he would carry that well. So she was glad when Ryan interrupted and gave her some more time to think.

After the case. That was a good idea, for both of them. The victims had priority now.

And then Castle got his special assignment from Gates and there was again even less time they had together.

"You going home?" she asked and he nodded.

"I can spread myself there without disturbing you all. See you tonight? For dinner?" he asked.

"I'll see what I can do," she gave back and watched him leave.

She was pretty busy the rest of the day and wasn't sure if she'd make it on time but at some point there was just nothing more they could do, they had to find the guy from the sketch first, identify him for that matter, so she told the boys she'd call it a night, that she needed some rest and then she went to the loft.

The door opened as soon as she knocked and was greeted by Alexis.

"Hello Detective," she said and Kate smiled at the girl.

"Hi Alexis."

"Come in, dinner is ready!" They heard Castle call from the kitchen and Alexis let Beckett in, closed the door behind her.

They ate together, mostly trying to avoid talking about the case and Martha threw the one or other suspicious glance at her son. From the way he and Kate were behaving he hadn't told her yet and whenever her eyes met those of her son she tried to give him a "get on with it" look but he just ignored her. When they were done Beckett offered to help Alexis with the dishes and for once the girl accepted. They worked in silence for a while but then Alexis spoke up.

"How do you deal with it?" she asked.

Beckett, a little surprised that Alexis would come to her with this, looked at her.

"It isn't easy. I've done this job for so long now but it never gets any easier. It just gets…different. You find ways to deal with it, friends, books, sometimes work itself helps, knowing that finding the bad guys will bring at least a little peace to others. It's worth something, at least for those others."

"Does dad help you?"

Again, the question surprised her but she nodded. "Yes. Yes he does," she answered honestly and with a genuine smile that made Alexis smile back, despite the situation. She was glad that Beckett was here. She just needed to hear that even someone like her, the strong detective, still had to deal with stuff like this, that it didn't just go past her.

They finished the dishes and joined Martha and Castle in the living room. Alexis just said she would go upstairs, that she needed some rest.

"Good night, pumpkin," her father said and kissed her on the forehead before she left for her room.

"You know, I should probably go home tonight. I want to be at the precinct early tomorrow and you have Gate's special assignment."

Castle looked at Kate and although he didn't want to let her go he nodded. "You might be right."

He walked to the door with her and after a good night kiss she left.

He never thought that this would be their last kiss before the storm hit.

* * *

><p>He worked at home the next day but didn't come up with anything, so he decided he could just as well go to the precinct, find out if they had anything new. As always he stopped for coffee on the way but when he got there, he couldn't see Beckett. He asked the boys and they told him she was in the box with Bobby, their suspect.<p>

Since he enjoyed watching her in interrogation he went to the observation room, he could give her her coffee later. And watch he did. It was like another bomb had hit the city when he heard her, heard her say the words that made his heart fall into a thousand pieces. "I remember every second of it."

It didn't matter that she had given in to him, that she was trying to be in a relationship with him. It didn't matter because she had known for almost a year now that he loved her and she had never said something. What had he done to her for her to lie? What had he done to deserve this? He'd been the happiest of men only a moment ago and now his world was shattered, broken to pieces in front of him. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he needed space, air, something else than Beckett in the interrogation room.

He grabbed his coffee, left the observation room, walked past Ryan and Esposito, almost overlooked them. But they called after him and he said he had somewhere he needed to be and he did.

Martha was already waiting for him at the plaza, worry in her eyes.

"What's wrong Richard?" she asked and he shook his head first, but told her anyway.

How could Kate not tell him? Even after she kissed him that night at Martha's play? How could she not say something? Was this all a game for her? Was she just trying to humour him? If she was so embarrassed, why not just leave it at that, keep lying at him instead of trying to pretend that there was something.

Meredith's betrayal seemed like nothing compared to Kate's. How could she do this to him, knowing how much she meant to him?

But he had to go back. What he told his mother was nothing but the truth. He had to go back because of the victims. He had to put his feelings in a box and hide it somewhere and that's what he did.

* * *

><p>She was confused. Why had he left her a coffee but hadn't stayed? She was still pretty shaken from the interrogation, it had been the first time that she acknowledged to anybody else than that she remembered. Why could she say it to a suspect in an interrogation but not to Castle? She loved the man, for goodness sake, but she couldn't bring herself to say it.<p>

She was glad when he finally showed up. She had regretted her decision of going home the night before as soon as she got to the precinct and saw his empty chair. She could have had a whole night with him but instead decided to work alone. She smiled broadly at him but she immediately felt that something was off but she couldn't place it.

She didn't know that he'd seen, that he'd heard her but the comments he made? They seemed full of double meaning but it couldn't be. She was imagining things, she was sure of that. But still, he was acting strange and it worried her. There was no time though, to think about that now, they still had to finish up the case and as always, Castle was a huge help. He was even the one finding out who the real bomber was.

"Sinning by silence. It's not smart, it's not brave, it's just cowardly," he said to Leann West, the reporter, the bomber. But something in his tone made Beckett frown, yet she still couldn't place it. She was just looking forward to a quiet evening first with a drink with the team and then in the arms of the man she loved but none of this happened. The boys just wanted to go home and she could understand them. But Castle was still acting strange. He didn't want to tell her what he was going to say and he just said "I'm going to head home" she knew that there wasn't going to be a quiet evening in his arms. He probably just needed some space, some time to review this case by himself. She knew the feeling, she sometimes had this too. It still nagged at her though but she went home to her apartment anyways, alone. As soon as she was there she missed him already.

Kate took out her phone, pressed the speed dial to call him. It ringed. It ringed again. He didn't pick up.

She went to take something out of her fridge and tried again but couldn't reach him.

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><p><em>Who knows what's going to happen to them next...I can't wait for The Limey and I am soooooo glad that I'm more or less spoilerfree again! xD <em>

_**Hit the review button**, I'd love to hear what you think =)_

_Thanks for reading!_

xx


	3. Chapter 3 The Limey

_**A/N:** I swear, I am such a mess after this episode and I just had the worst time writing this. When I said last week that it was hard, it's nothing compared to after this episode, really...I wrote more about what happend to them during the ep than after because like I said, I kind of want to stay in the storyline and that is hard if you don't know what's going to happen next. You will notice that I allowed myself to go a bit differently though. _

_I kinda wanted to slap Castle today...but also Beckett...I feel for both of them and that's why I love them even more, them and those damn teasing writers...Anyways. I hope you like it even though it is dark...like the episode...I'm sure it will get better though =)_

_In Marlowe we trust, right ;)  
><em>

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

He didn't pick up. Not once. She must have tried to reach him several times but there was no response whatsoever. That's when she tried to reach his daughter but Alexis couldn't tell the detective what was wrong either.

"I've noticed he's different but I have no idea. He doesn't want to talk about it I think…" the girl said with concern in her voice.

"Yeah, that's why I wanted to reach him. He's not home then?"

"No, I'm sorry. Do you want me to tell him something?"

"Uhm. No. Just tell him I called. Again."

"Will do" Alexis answered and with that they hung up.

Kate paced her apartment, wrecking her brain, trying to think of what was wrong. Had she said anything wrong to him? Had she behaved in a wrong way? They were so good with each other just a day before. She should have stayed the night at his place. Was it that? No, it couldn't be. Castle knew that she needed space from time to time. But maybe she wasn't giving him enough of that said space? Maybe he needed it too? She had questions over questions and no answers to anything.

When she went to work the next day he wasn't there. No one had heard anything from him and she got even more worried. She missed him. She could feel it physically, emotionally. She tried his phone again but like all the other times before it went straight to voicemail.

"Castle? It's me…B…Kate….I was…Can we talk?" she spoke onto the tape before hanging up, frustrated.

It didn't take long before her phone buzzed again.

_I need some air, some space. Will talk to you soon._

That was it? Just that? Nothing else? Kate was honestly confused now. All was going so well before, she had finally started to open up to him, showing him how much she cared and now she felt like her heart got ripped out piece by piece. It was her worst nightmare coming true. She had opened her heart, finally let him in, knowing that he was the only person who could break her again and he was on the best way of doing exactly that.

She had no idea how this had all started, she tried to think of something – again – and tried to find a way of making it better again. It was his birthday this week. She had something planned for this, not knowing if she would actually follow through with it but she wanted to. Now, she wasn't so sure anymore. She had wanted to make his birthday something special to both of them and she thought about maybe just do it, go over to his apartment that day and give him her present. But he said he needed space and he had always respected her need of space, it wouldn't be fair of her not to respect his wish now. She texted Alexis again and her phone buzzed a minute later, the girl's answer showing up on her screen.

_He went away for over the weekend…took the Ferrari and took off…Do you know what's going on?_ it said.

She felt a sting in her heart at the words. Why wouldn't he say anything?

_I have no idea_ was all she texted back.

His birthday came and went without a word from him. He hadn't shown up at the precinct all week – she did only have paperwork and knew he didn't like that but still – and again he didn't pick up his phone so she just sent him a Happy Birthday message. And then, after there was no response at all for another while, she called Lanie. Her friend was at her apartment as fast as she could and for the first time Kate poured her heart out to her, like she hadn't done in a long, long time.

Lanie listened, the patient friend that she was, but Kate knew that there was probably a lot more to come after this. And she was right. Her friend had her completely figured out, there was no way she could deny her feelings but what the hell, she and Castle had started dating a few weeks ago, so where was the big deal? The only question was, were they still dating?

"He doesn't pick up anymore," she told her friend on their way to the crime scene. "I have no clue what's going on. I don't even know what exactly he means by space. Does it mean that we're not dating anymore or what?"

"Woah, woah, hold on a second there! You didn't think it was worth mentioning to me that you actually started dating?"

Kate bit her tongue. She had completely forgotten about that. "I…I'm sorry Lanie, it kinda slipped my mind. But this isn't the point right now because I really don't know what we are anymore right now!"

Lanie nodded, seeing that Kate really needed support on a different level than on being questioned by a friend. So she told her what she thought while ducking under the yellow tape. Lanie really didn't like seeing Kate so…vulnerable, so lost. She really hoped that they would get their act together.

That's when he pulled up. In his Ferrari. With a Blondie sitting next to him. Kate almost fell over, she was so completely shocked and Lanie knew it was her cue to leave.

He had tried to forget. He really had. When he went home that night after he'd found out he sat down and wrote a list. A freaking Bucket List. Fifty things he wanted to do and the only one that really mattered to him was number fifty. How could she do this to him, he asked himself again. Did she have no compassion at all? Didn't she care, didn't he matter? Wasn't a relationship supposed to be where you could talk, talk honestly with each other. He forgot about the fact that he hid something big from her, all he could think about was how she had hurt him, how she had betrayed him. His phone buzzed and it was her. Again. There were over twenty missed calls on his phone. He needed air. Get married and make it last. She could have been the right one. She would have been the right one. But she had destroyed it like a piece of glass. He had shattered his heart into tiny little pieces and yes, his mother was right, there probably was no switch that he could turn off, but he was sure that there was something to make it easier.

He took his keys and his phone, turned it off though and left the office. His daughter was sitting on the couch and saw him, but all he could manage was "Hi Alexis, bye Alexis" before he went out the door. He went for a walk, to clear his head but it was no use. He walked the streets for hours, trying to think clearly. Was it over now? He didn't want it to be over but he really needed clarity and he decided that he would not find it in New York were everything reminded him of her.

It was late when he got home, the loft was quiet. He went to the kitchen counter and found a piece of paper lying there.

_Kate called, she's worried_

_Yeah right_, he thought before booking a flight to Vegas for the weekend.

He spent a few days at home, trying to write, ignore Beckett's calls except when she left a message and he sent a text back. What he actually had wanted to do was call her back, scream at her for what she'd done to him but he couldn't do it. When Friday came he didn't say goodbye to his mother and daughter. He just left them a note, saying he needed a few days for himself.

Vegas didn't help much either though. He laughed, he played games, he amused himself. He needed space. That's what he sent her back. And that's when he decided that needing space meant he had to figure out if he was completely in this relationship if it still was one, that is. And for that to figure out he had to find another girl, that he would like enough, that he would not compare to Kate so that he could find out how deep his commitment would run. And how much she was in this relationship. He bought some of the ladies he met drinks but with each one he thought _She's not Kate_ and bought another drink for himself because of it. Nothing helped, as hard as he tried, nothing ever did.

Even now as he pulled up to the crime scene, the flight attendant on his passenger seat he didn't feel better. He had met her on the flight and she was so completely different from Kate that he just went for it. Invited her for a drive, brought her to the crime scene now that he got the call. He didn't really care what Beckett would say. He lightly shook his head. That wasn't true. He did care. It was partially why he did this in the first place.

The girl next to him was ridiculous. He knew that. But she was fun to be with. Easy even. No complications just, well, fun.

He got out of the car, watched her drive away before joining Beckett.

She told him it seemed like he just died. Oh, if only she knew how right she was. Only he died a few days before when he found out. And he died a little more every day. Was he going to say something? No, most certainly not. When she asked if everything was okay and he answered with "Never better," she couldn't let it go.

"Castle, what the hell was that? Seriously."

"What? I'm not allowed to give a lady a ride home now, or what?"

"If that's what it was…Can we talk for a moment?"

"I thought we had a case…"

"Fine…later then?"

He nodded, unconvincingly though but she had nothing else to say so they went to the body. Lanie's comments didn't help her much to ease the pain of Castle's behaviour.

She noticed all the little differences in their relationship. The way he basically avoided eye contact, the way they weren't in sync anymore, the way he tried be around only as much as necessary. Even he realised how out of sync they were but he pretended like it didn't bother him.

With every comment he made about parties and models and such he dug the knife deeper into Kate's heart, tearing it apart.

And yet, in that hotel room he covered her yes like he didn't want her to see anyone but him. Not that she had yet…but still. Kate just couldn't wrap her head around his behaviour, she was still trying to wreck her brain but nothing solid came from it.

She didn't hesitate to look at Castle when Hunt asked her what she would do if someone she loved got hurt in a foreign country and she met Castle's eyes, knowing he felt the same way and for the tiniest of moments they were back. Just as quickly he dropped his gaze though, his blue eyes turning cold.

They don't work much together during this case. He pulls away further from her and she starts doubting everything they had even more. She told Lanie that she didn't want to lose what they had but she could feel that they were on the way of exactly doing that, losing everything.

When he mentioned his "lunch date" he added another sting to her heart and she was already rather close to an emotional breakdown.

But there came a moment where she made a decision. There were two people who could play that game and when they found that picture of Nigel Wyndham and Colin asked her to that party at the consulate she readily agreed. Castle needed to see what he was missing out. And see he did.

When she came walking towards them and he saw the looks on the faces of Ryan, Esposito and Hunt he turned around and for a moment forgot his anger. All he could see was this gorgeous woman that he loved beyond anything. He looked her up and down, couldn't hide that he loved what he saw. He also saw that she felt weird, uncomfortable in a way, to be going out with Hunt. And that's when he realised that he had pushed her away with his behaviour. He felt a sting to his heart as he watched her walk away, linked arms with Hunt.

He wanted nothing more than to be the guy beside her instead, leading her to a dance floor, twisting and twirling with her in his arms but he shoved the thoughts away. He was angry, he had to stay angry for a while. He would not go make it easy on Beckett. And her walking away with another guy only proved to him that he was most likely right, that she didn't care that much about him.

Kate herself didn't feel all that well with what she was doing. It felt like a betrayal to her even though Castle had been the first one to just take off, then show up with a Blondie that he even went out for lunch with. Still, she just loved him too much so she danced awkwardly with Hunt, wishing it was Castle instead.

Small talk. That's all she could manage with Hunt. When he asked her about her life she told him unimportant stuff, avoiding the truth and she knew then that Castle had stolen his way into her heart the first time they had worked together. Hunt was a nice guy but he didn't know her, he didn't even care to look closer to see the hurt in her. Castle had done that, he had known from the start what was driving her and he had always admired her for that. She needed to get him out of her head, for tonight at least. But all she could think about were ways of telling him what she felt. Lanie was right. No one has all the time of the world. Time was limited and if she didn't tell him soon, she would lose him forever.

She was glad when the night was over, not expecting what came next. He had shown evidence to that, that, that girl. All her anger boiled up, she just couldn't take it anymore. Of course they were interrupted, they were always interrupted when they should talk so she took him aside while Hunt was on his way to the airport.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Rick!" she asked, the anger edged deep into her voice.

"Wrong? With me? Nothing! Maybe you are the one not getting it here!" he almost screamed at her. Beckett was glad she had taken him into the interrogation room, it was less likely that someone heard their fight.

"What don't I get? You have been avoiding me, you ignore my calls, you take off with that, that bimbo! I thought we were supposed to make this work! Together!"

"Yeah well, maybe it doesn't work," he stated coldly, turning away and walking out of the room, leaving her there, breathless, hurt, broken. But she pulled herself together, like she always did and set her mind on the task at hand. Solving a crime.

And they did solve it.

Kate felt bad for fighting with Castle and she did want to make it up to him. She didn't know what exactly he wanted with the flight attendant, what he was up to and what he thought about them but she needed to know. He cut her off though, saying he was going to meet said flight attendant again. She shook her head, almost violently but couldn't say anything, so she let him go.

She wanted to pick up the phone, call Hunt. Instead she dialled Alexis, she didn't really know why. The girl picked up fairly quickly.

"Kate, hi. Have you found out what's wrong with dad yet?" was the first thing she asked.

"No…Alexis, would you mind if I came over and waited for your dad?"

"No, of course not."

"Thank you," Kate said almost in a whisper and then she went over to Castle's loft.

Alexis was waiting for her, she wanted to know what was going on, even if Beckett didn't exactly know. The two women sat down on the couch and Alexis saw how hurt Beckett was and at that moment she didn't know what her father was doing. She didn't understand him.

"What's going on?" she asked the detective gently and Kate shook her head.

"I don't know. One moment we were all good and the next he is pulling away from me. It's like he has changed his mind about us. I don't really want to bother you with this, Alexis."

"It's okay. I don't understand what's going on with him right now. I love him, but he's hurting you, I can see that. I want to know why."

"So do I, believe me, so do I."

They sat in silence for a long time, eventually they started watching some TV. Kate had to secretly wipe away the one or other tear but Alexis still saw it. The girl was still not quite sure if she was completely okay with this relationship but she really liked Kate and yes, she may be the reason for her father to get into danger every other case but she also protected him. She didn't deserve this but Alexis had no idea how the help her, not knowing that Kate was just glad that she had her company.

It was getting late and Kate wondered if Castle would ever show up. He did a half hour later. He entered the loft – thankfully alone – and when he spotted Beckett he went rigid, his eyes getting the cold look back.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, politely but she could feel the coldness in his demeanour.

"We need to talk."

"We talked before, there's nothing more to say."

Kate stood up, walked towards him. She didn't want to scream across the room.

"So this is it? You just say we're done without a reason?"

"Oh, I have my reasons. But you don't get it, Beckett."

That he used her last name again showed her how very serious he was. She couldn't help the tears that were stinging behind her eyelids.

"Fine!" she yelled at him, grabbing her coat. "You are an idiot, Richard Castle. I was willing to give this a try and you're pulling away. I have no idea why. God, I knew it was a mistake to fall in love you, to be in love with you!" With this she stormed out the door that he hadn't yet closed, leaving both him and his daughter speechless in the room.

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><p><em>So, what do you think? I couldn't just leave it at the ending we got. I had to alter it, had to right some of the wrong...My heart couldn't take the hurt and angst and all that... I wonder how I can work from here after the next epi...but well, we'll have to wait and see. It was kind of inevitable to go off tracks with them actually already trying to be in a relationship... wellanyways, I'd love to hear your opinions (as always xD)<em>


	4. Chapter 4 Headhunters

_**A/N: **__Now that just took me ages…And geez, I read chapter 3 again, I am SO terribly sorry for all the preposition mistakes I made! I almost ripped my hair out…I must have been very upset when I wrote that chapter xD Well anyways, that reminds me that I might state again that I am __**not**__ a native English speaker although I wish I were ;D_

_Now here we go with chapter four, taking place during and after Headhunters, which I by the way loved so, so much! _

_Okay, now again, I do not own the characters and yes, I did quote some things from the actual ep which I of course don't own either. I am not such a writer genius as the team that writes Castle ;) _

_Anywas, have fun reading, I still don't know what to think of it but well…that's me xD_

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><p><strong>Chapter 4 - <strong>

"_I knew it was a mistake to love you."_

These words rang in his ears, hit him square across the face. She loved him. She just told him that she loved him. How did he ever doubt her?

"Dad! What are you still doing standing there like a fool? Go after her!" his daughter almost shouted at him. It was all he needed to wake up from his dumbstruck state of mind and he ran through the door. She was gone of course. She'd run down the stairs, couldn't wait for the elevator, standing there, waiting to see if he'd come after her or not so she'd taken the stairs. She had tears streaming down her face uncontrollably now and she was shaking but she managed to get to the car, wipe her face so she could see and drive away. She didn't see Castle running out the door of the building, looking for her completely out of breath from running down the stairs two steps at a time. She pulled over a couple of streets away from the loft, stopping the car, leaning her forehead onto the wheel and started sobbing. It wasn't like her but she couldn't stop it.

It was only slowly dawning on her what she had said upon leaving and that made her sob even more. Kate had told Castle once, very early in their days of working together, that she was the one and done type and she was. When she told someone she loved him, she meant it. That's why she never said it to, for example, Josh. But she had never wanted to say it to Castle like this, screaming it at him and mentioning in the same sentence that it was a mistake. Never.

After a couple of minutes of crying she managed to start the car again and get to her apartment. It was there that she took her phone out and saw several missed calls from Castle but now she was the one ignoring them. She wasn't in the right state to be able to talk to him now. She might be after some sleep.

Castle had returned to the loft and was still trying to call her.

"She doesn't pick up…" he said to his daughter who was still sitting on the couch where she and Kate had been waiting for him.

"What's going on anyway, dad?"

"I…I just needed time. And I probably behaved like an idiot but…no…there is not but. I did behave like a total moron. You know…it's the first time that she's said it."

"What?"

"That she loves me."

"Didn't you know? I mean, it was kinda obvious…"

"Was it? I guess it was. But I started to doubt it and I pulled away. Now she will need space again. She'll get that wall right back up… And maybe it is better like this. Maybe we actually need something like this… " He sighed and sat down beside his daughter, pulling her into a hug.

"How long was she waiting here?" he asked.

"Hours. She came right after work."

"Oh, Kate," he murmured to himself.

Father and daughter sat on the couch for another moment before both decided to head to bed.

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><p>The days passed by without Beckett trying to reach him again. They did shortly speak to each other when he called her to ask whether she had time for a chat but she had to decline not because she didn't want to talk but because she was busy preparing for a trial. And if Castle was honest with himself, he was busy too. With writing the last few chapters of "Frozen Heat". Only, he had no inspiration left, nothing good came to him and he started fooling around, procrastinating in every way possible one of which was getting to the mail before his daughter so he could hold back the letters from colleges she had applied to.<p>

His mother caught him playing with dolls – action figures he corrected her – which was another form of procrastination. He even confessed that he couldn't write anything. He needed something to distract him, something that might get him back on track and that's when he saw the news – severed heads. Well wasn't that just perfect.

But how was he going to get to work with the guy? Beckett! He hadn't seen her in a while since both of them had kind of been avoiding each other in the hope of some improvement. Not that that was any way of dealing with it but it was typical for them.

He grinned at his mother and took off.

When he arrived at the precinct with the two coffees in his hands he had to wait for her but when she came it was as if the room lit up. She had had several days to straighten up again, get her act together and realise what she really wanted and the answer was always the same, no matter how she posed the question. Castle. But even though he had tried to reach her after her breakdown at his loft the ball was in his court now and she was too stubborn to contact him. So when she saw him waiting at her desk with the coffees – with the coffees! – she couldn't help but smile at him with all the love she had but of course, he had a completely different reason for coming. She had honestly thought that maybe her confession would change something no matter in what weird context it had been said. But it didn't appear so, so she walked away from him.

He followed her, sensing that he was being an idiot again.

"Kate!" he called after her and by the rise and fall of her shoulders he could see that she was sighing before she turned around, facing him.

"What, Rick?"

"I'll…I'll come back. I just, I need to see something new, okay?"

"Didn't you get enough _new_ with that bimbo of yours?" she snapped, walking past him out of the room and to the break room just so she wouldn't start a fight in the middle of the precinct.

The next thing she knew she heard was that Castle had actually managed to convince Detective Slaughter to let him ride along and that's when she seriously started worrying about him.

That Ryan was concerned didn't make it much easier and as soon as the elevator doors opened up and she saw Slaughter and Castle walk through it with the two guys they had arrested, Castle with a paper tissue stuck in his nose, she almost had a heart attack.

He seemed to be fine though, full of adrenalin though, completely unaware of how worried she was. So worried in fact, that she forgot where they were and lightly touched his right cheek, trying to make him hold still so she could get a look at his nose. He shuddered at the touch of her hand, it had been too long since they last got into such close proximity of each other, let alone into direct contact like this and he could feel all his feelings stir up in the pit of his stomach, he could feel the electricity rising and his hand automatically rose to touch hers but that's when Slaughter called out his name and his hand dropped down at his side again. He looked at Beckett who held his gaze. He knew how serious she was with her comment of trying to not get him killed and he could see the sincerity of it in her eyes right now too. She sighed.

"Just…be careful, okay? I can't lose you…" she whispered, dropping her hand and walked away. He looked after her. How far could he go before ruining it all? The thing was, he somehow enjoyed his ride-along with Slaughter, it was so completely different from his work with Beckett. He realised, how much she actually cared about him, how much she always had. He realised that when she tried to hold him back, when she tried – and succeeded – to go first it wasn't to annoy him, it was to protect him, to keep him safe. But he could take care of himself, he had just proven that but still, it was nice to know and also, it was a pretty close call in that pub so maybe Beckett was right after all…

He sighed and followed Slaughter to the box. And saying that the guy was starting to scare him there was probably an understatement but it was so badass that he just loved it. For once he was allowed to do all the things that Beckett forbids him.

* * *

><p>She didn't know what to do. She was so scared that he might be getting himself hurt or worse, killed and there didn't seem to be anything that she could do. Even though he'd let her touch him she felt like there was still a barrier between them. She had told him that she loved him in a terrible rage, he had told her that he loved her while she was almost bleeding to death. It didn't seem like those were the best moments to say those words. Kate saw no other way but to go to the one place where she could talk freely and that was with . He could annoy her, he could annoy her a lot with his clever answers, always seeming to have the right one, the one that hurt the most but – at the end of the day – it was what she needed most.<p>

She ranted on about Castle pulling away and she even told Burke that she had told him she loved him.

"When did that happen?" he asked.

"Last week. I was so angry at him for not talking to me, for heading off to Vegas without a word and for going out with this bimbo of his while we were supposed to be making this relationship work! I went over to his place to talk but he was so cold that I shouted at him. I told him it was a mistake to love him."

"Maybe that wasn't what he wanted to hear."

"Well of course it wasn't! But I don't know what it is that he wants to hear. He doesn't listen to me at all anymore. Now he's off with that Detective and I'm just scared…"

When Burke asked her if that Detective was a woman she knew she wasn't going to like where the conversation was headed, that it would hurt again even though Slaughter wasn't a woman.

"What if I waited too long? What if he realised during the short time that we were trying to make it work, that he doesn't love me anymore and he just doesn't have the guts to tell me?"

"Do you really believe that?"

"At the moment? I'm not sure what to believe."

"Kate, you gave it a try, even though you were still healing, you gave it a try. You haven't waited too long, you needed that time to find out what you want. Now it is time to act on it."

"But what do I do?"

"What do you want to do?"

The look on Burkes face was exactly what she expected. It was always the same. He knew her, knew exactly what she wanted to do but also knew that she couldn't do it. But she had to and that's when she made her decision.

* * *

><p>He was pretty shaken up, to say the least. Every noise, every movement made him jump. Had this guy really just killed someone? Just like that?<p>

When they reached the precinct he saw Beckett looking at him, saw that she saw how he was feeling but neither of them went to the other, they were just too stubborn to do so.

He was _so_ relieved when he saw the guy – Marc as he learned afterwards – alive but at the same time he felt awful, betrayed, played and it made him angry. For some reason though he laughed it off, pretended that he didn't mind when in fact he was just getting more afraid by the minute. Their little detour to the Jamaican guy did not help in the least to calm him, in fact, it had the opposite effect. The more time he spent with Slaughter, the more he wanted to go back work with Beckett. Their relationship may be strained and needed a lot of patching up again, but at the moment he would take that over the craziness of this man who had taken his coat. His thoughts were with Beckett pretty much the whole evening when he was out with Slaughter, celebrating the fact that he had survived the first day with him. Considering that, he was not at all in a celebrating mood and he realised that no distraction that he was ever going to look for would help him solve his problems with Beckett. But his sense for justice was too big to just drop out of this case. He only wished it would end sooner than later so he could go back, make amends and work with his partner again, the partner, who was at that moment still sitting in the precinct and digging in the case herself.

She could not let Castle down, no matter how stupid he was acting, no matter if he hurt her, he was her partner and she would always have his back, so she did something she would never have done before and interfered with another cop's case. It wasn't that she was not busy enough preparing for the trial but she really was concerned about Castle and she needed to make sure that – in case of anything – she could do something.

She worked pretty much the whole night, made the couch in the interview room her bed again and got woken up by Ryan in the morning. She freshened up in the ladies room and just when she walked back to the bull pen she heard Ryan's and Esposito's conversation about the Mexican guy that Castle and Slaughter were probably after right now. The boys saw the shocked look on her face, they knew she was afraid something bad would happen and so were they.

"Track his phone. Please," was all she said and they nodded. Thankfully they were able to locate him faster than they thought.

"Beckett, you coming?" Esposito shouted from the elevator to the bull pen already putting on his vest.

She shook her head no, "I…I can't!" she answered and it was the truth. She didn't dare going with them, not knowing what situation Slaughter had put her partner into and if he was unhurt or maybe lying on the floor, bleeding. She had to believe – even if just for a moment – that he would be okay if she didn't go with the boys.

The relief that washed over her when they were back was only short though. How did he dare putting himself into such danger? She wanted to punch him, wanted to kiss him too for being alive and well, wanted to break every bone in his body herself so he wouldn't be able to go out there again. Of course, she did neither.

"You need to do something." It was Esposito that pulled her out of her thoughts and she knew he was right but she still denied being able to do so or even wanting to do so.

That's when Castle walked past the room, like a pig that had to go to get slaughtered and knew it. It tore at her heart but she was still too stubborn to help him. Or at least help him with him realising that she was doing that.

When he came back he was glad to see that he seemed…a little less shaken, if that was the right term because he still looked pale, not like his usual self.

And yet, after she assumed the interrogation was over he came to her, trying exactly that, being his usual self with small talk and lovely smiles that made her insides melt a little more every time. She just couldn't see him shaken up like this anymore that's why she finally gave in and showed him what she or rather Ryan had found out. And she had no idea how inexplicably happy this made Castle, that she was having his back no matter how stupid he was behaving and although there was still a lot unresolved between them he wanted nothing more but to kiss her, make up for all the wrong he'd done, for all the pain he'd caused her. He was of course still pained himself and he would be until she told him the truth herself but the urge to kiss her was still there. Not that he gave into it, they were standing in the precinct after all. But her help gave him hope that it could get better again.

"Maybe we can find out." That's what she said and he knew it really could end well after all. He didn't realise then what she was actually doing for him but when they got to the crime scene and Slaughter showed up he did. Kate Beckett was putting her job on line for him. And she loved her job, it was who she was. Her love for it had drawn him in in the first place and now? He had no words to describe what he was feeling but he knew that he was going to do anything he could to save her from getting suspended – or worse – so he started theorizing and she caught up immediately, spinning the story with him like they used to do. He paused and looked at her, a smile on his face and when Kate realised that he was not speaking she looked up, met his eyes, saw his smile.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing…it's just…it's nice to have this," he pointed his finger from her to himself, "back" and she smiled in return.

"It is…"

* * *

><p>They wrapped the case, like they usually did but when Beckett went up to Valez, Castle got worried. That guy was a bad news and even though he knew Beckett had it under control he worried because who knew what Valez would do, knowing he had a cop out there who would make his life a living hell and for how long Beckett would have him under control.<p>

The fist into his stomach he got from Slaughter hurt, but he probably deserved it – somehow at least and Beckett did make up for it when she bent down so their eyes were on the same level and patted his cheek and assured him again that they were partners. Also implying that she was behaving much more like a partner than he was.

When he went home he knew he had some decisions to make and when he found Alexis with a similar problem, ice cream really was the best idea. And it did help with his decision.

After eating the ice cream and considering pros and cons for Alexis's verdict of going to Stanford or not, he got up from the couch, his daughter looking at him with a surprised look.

"You in a hurry for something?" she asked and he nodded.

"I've made up my mind, I have somewhere to be."

Alexis smiled at her father. "I won't wait up then."

He grinned at her and shook his head. Then he kissed her on her forehead and headed out the door. He quickly managed to hail a cab and only a few minutes later he knocked at the door, nervous like a little boy on his first day of school, probably as excited as well. He had tried to get his thoughts in order on the cab ride over but he still wasn't sure what to say. He just knew that even though she had hurt him, he loved her enough to ignore that hurt for a while, until she was ready to tell him herself. For now it had to be enough knowing that she loved him back because honestly, who cared for how long she had loved him, as long as it was real now. He knew that maybe he should confront her but all he wanted now was taking her into his arms and hold her tight again, having her by his side.

When she opened the door he detected both surprise and joy.

"Castle? What are you doing here?"

"I…I am here to apologize. Kate, I am so sorry for how I behaved the last week, and before that. You don't deserve this, especially not after today. You had my back when I behaved like the biggest moron on earth and I have no idea how I can ever make this up to you. I have realised though, that working with you is way more fun for starts and also while talking to Alexis tonight I realised that I just can't lose you again. I am an idiot and I should've talked to you much earlier. I guess communication is not our strongest suits…" he was talking his head off, almost forgetting to breath between sentences because he wanted her to know, wanted her to listen.

"Castle. Shut up."

"Oh…I…sorry. I guess it's not the right time then…" he mumbled, looking at the floor and not realising that Kate was smiling at him.

"Castle? Rick?" He looked up, surprised that she hadn't yet closed the door in his face and then she saw her smile.

"I was an idiot too, Rick. I should've made you talk to me. I shouldn't have run away like I did the other night. I came to talk to you and all I did was yell."

He could hardly believe what she was saying but he dared to take a step closer to her, into the apartment and then hesitantly took her hands.

"You had every right to yell at me. I made a huge mistake there, I don't even know if I want you to forgive me…"

"Shut up, Castle," she said again, "you're not listening. You made a mistake, but so did I. What I told you that night, I mean, what I yelled at you," she corrected herself with an apologetic smile, "I should have said that much sooner and I'm sorry that I haven't. And I should have made you talk to me the moment I realised something was off…"

He looked her in the eyes, seeing all the pain he'd caused her but also all the forgiveness because she loved him and she could see the same in his eyes. She brought his hand up to her cheek, holding it in place with her eyes closed.

"I guess we're both some kinds of idiots then..." he whispered.

Kate chuckled and he could feel the vibration in his hand. "Idiots can be in love, right?" she said, blinking at him but closing her eyes again.

He thought about her words a while before replying.

"Hm…I'd say only idiots can be in love," he started, "Who else is stupid enough to fall in love and make himself – or herself – so vulnerable that the tiniest thing can almost break you…" He pulled her a little closer and waited until she opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Then here's to us idiots," she whispered, bringing her other hand up to his chest before continuing. "Cause it seems like I am terribly in love with you, Richard Castle and I am terribly vulnerable and terribly scared that this will end badly and I could not…" The rest of the sentence got cut off when his lips met hers, kissing her fiercely and it didn't take a second until she was kissing him back just as desperate, bringing her arms up around his neck, pulling him even closer, closing the door behind him.

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><p><em>Hihihihi, I'm a tease, aren't I ;) Well, let your own imagination run wild if you want, just not too wild because I want both secrets out first. Now, another two weeks hiatus that is going to kill me…While writing this I thought I should rather just write post-ep one-shots without any connection to each other, that would make it a lot easier than this…but I still hope you liked it and if you did, I always like reviews. If you didn't like it too xD<em>

_Oh and that "idiots" convo right there at the end...I've had that stuck in my head for the alst couple of weeks and just wanted to write it down now...I initially thought it would make a great ending for a huge fight but I was not in the mood to write a fight, so it's just there...like that...  
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	5. Chapter 5 Undead Again

_**A/N: **So...it's almost midnight here and I have to get up again in about 5h to get ready for work...yes, my final teaching practise starts tomorrow...Which is also the reason why I'm so late in updating this (well...late's relative I guess but anyways). I am actually quite satisfied with this chapter, it turned out better than I thought it would although, it's a littel shorter than the others normally are... I do hope you like it though =) One week till Always...Let's see how spoilerfree I can stay...Tumblr is spoiling me already but I can't stay away cause of my other obsession...well anyways, what I was going to say is that I will probably end this story with the next chapter. I might write an epiloge, depends on what I'll write next week...  
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_Those of you who are reading my other fic "Twist of Fate"...have patience with me. I am writing on the next chapter but well...pressure is catching up with me faster than I'd like and I've got so much to do for college and as I said, final prac coming on which means lesson preparation and stuff...I see what I can do...I'll give my full attention to the fic again once I've handed in my Portfolio which will be in about 5 weeks time (okay, I'm just putting some more pressure on myself..5WEEKS, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!) Excuse my ranting, I'm done now.  
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_Enjoy the chapter =)  
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_3  
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_P.S. Excuse any typing mistakes, I didn't read it over...and oh yeah, DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything! I put some quotes in from the actual show, I don't own those  
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* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5<br>**

They were slowly mending, he could feel that after the night he spent at her place but it really was a slow process. They had agreed to try and really make this work but there was still too much unresolved between them so they needed time. He had spent the last nights at the loft, Kate visited once or twice but never stayed overnight. They basically started at the beginning again, a new try from the moment she had first kissed him goodnight with everything that happened in between forgotten or more like put on ice for a while.

He was still trying to get some more writing done but he needed some distraction every once in a while so at some point he decided to get the laser guns out and surprise his daughter. The surprise was on him though when she didn't want to play and told him it was time to grow up. He understood that she had a big decision to make, one of which he hoped would please him too but the way it looked at the moment, she wanted to go to Stanford or Oxford. He knew how much it would mean to her and he knew he would be happy for her in a way but having his little girl so far away from him was an unbearable thought.

"But who is going to play with me then?" he asked and Alexis smirked a little.

"You might be able to convince Detective Beckett," she answered with a wink before she left him sitting on the couch in the living room.

He did put the laser guns away in the end. It hurt, because it had been a family tradition for such a long time and now all of a sudden Alexis was no longer a child anymore and didn't need her father to play games with. When his phone rang and he saw Beckett was calling he hesitated to take the call and let it go to voicemail.

There had been a thought in his mind for a while. He thought that maybe it would be good for Kate and him to make this just a private relationship, not mixing it with work anymore. Of course, many good things would not have happened had he not followed her around, they might never have fallen in love with each other, but a lot of other things would _not_ have happened either, like him seeing her from the observation room, like him digging in her mom's murder and therefore being in a way responsible that Kate got shot in the first place.

"Are you two okay again?" he heard his mother ask who had been in the room with him before. He nodded slightly.

"We're good, yes. Mostly…"

"What's that supposed to mean?

"We still have a lot of work to do to make this relationship work."

"Maybe you should start by telling her why you behaved the way you did?"

"Maybe I should…I apologized but I think there is something else I need to do…"

"I think so too, kiddo. You haven't told her that you heard her through the glass, have you?"

He shook his head in response. "Because it didn't really matter anymore. She told me that she loved me. I decided that had to be enough for the moment."

"Maybe you should still tell her, let her know why you punished her by showing up to a crime scene with a stewardess and then running off with another cop."

"And maybe it is time for me to stop following her around. Because you're right, mother. We can't just go on like this. It is too much. I think this will be my last case with Beckett so we can work on our relationship instead of getting distracted by cases all the time."

"Do you really think that is going to work?"

"Probably not, but we can at least try, can't we…" he said before getting ready to meet Beckett at the crime scene.

* * *

><p>Once at the crime scene he was surprised to see Perlmutter, they hadn't had a case with him in quite a while but he sure enjoyed the MEs snappy answers that were mostly aimed at him, it amused him tremendously. He even said that he would miss those moments and would treasure them which earned him a confused look from Beckett. She'd thought it weird already that he hadn't picked up the phone but she'd dismissed it again because she knew that he seemed to be having a crisis with Alexis. She could see it in his eyes, the fact that he already missed his daughter even though he didn't even know where she would go yet. He needed the time with her that he could get so she had just assumed it was something like that but his comment now confused her. Treasure the moments? It sounded like there wouldn't be any such moments again and that made no sense. They were getting better again. Maybe they still didn't talk all that much about the stuff that they really should talk about but they were getting better. That was an improvement in itself. So why would he say something like that?<p>

But for some reason Castle kept making this strange comments that confused Beckett immensely like "I wanted this to be special". Why would he want this case to be special? More special than any other case? They were again at a point where they desperately needed to talk because there was definitely something going on with her boyfriend. But they had no time, like always. There was a suspect waiting and a case that needed Beckett's attention first. She couldn't even think to long about the fact that she had called Castle her boyfriend in her mind. It was the first time that she actually thought of him like that. She lightly shook her head and focused on the task at hand again and knocked on the door of Charlie Coleman.

And that was the moment things started to turn. Not just for the case but also for her and Castle. She didn't yet know in what way it changed them but she could feel that it would. They had Charlie in the backseat of her car so again she couldn't ask Castle what he was up to and it had to wait till they were at the precinct were the tape from Charlie's 911 call had already been sent to them so it prevented them from speaking yet again. Then Ryan showed them the security vid that made the Detectives speechless and Castle happy like the nine year old Beckett had learned to love. They were busy for the rest of the day and only when they were ready to call it a day did she manage to catch Castle alone in the elevator.

"What's wrong Castle?" she asked and got an astonished look from him.

"What should be wrong?"

"You've been acting weird today…"

"Beckett, there's a killer zombie out there, of course I'm acting weird. This is so good!"

She smiled a little at him but shook her head. "That's not what I meant… This morning, when you came to the crime scene? You were different. And why did you want this case to be so special?"

He sighed. Of course she had noticed. She noticed everything.

"Kate…I…I've been thinking…"

"You think too much sometimes, you know," she interrupted him and he smiled, not contradicting her.

"I know I do. But I'm serious. I think we need to take a break."

She turned towards him with an expression of pure shock and fear and he could have slapped himself for being so insensitive. He hastily put his hands up defensively.

"Not like that, Kate. Never like that! I meant this. Work. Us, together all the time. I think we need to focus on us now, not on our work."

"I…oh…I mean…" she didn't really know what to say. She wanted him around all the time, she felt like only half a person when he wasn't around and she was pretty sure it was the same for him too but maybe he was right so she nodded and took his hand to show that she would do whatever it takes to make this work.

He smiled back at her and then, just before the elevator got to the ground floor and opened, he gave her a quick kiss.

* * *

><p>When they got back to work the next day the case was getting weirder and weirder and Castle enjoyed more and more. Castle only needed to open his mouth and Beckett already started to roll her eyes because she couldn't believe that he actually thought there were zombies out there. Then again, it was Castle, so she did believe that he thought that they existed but it still made her roll her eyes.<p>

Castle seemed to be in heaven when they were going to that place the victim had been according to Ryan. That was where they walked right into them. A horde of zombies. She could hardly believe her eyes but Castle was acting too cute, trying to protect her. She would've smiled at him for doing that had they not been standing back to back, each facing the undead. She also noticed that Castle didn't find it that amusing anymore now that he was surrounded by those creatures but Kate was quite certain that this couldn't be real and fair enough as soon as she shouted NYPD they stopped and turned into normal human beings covered in make-up and costumes and it annoyed her. She was not a fan of pranks like this that made her work harder than it already was at times. Of course her partner thought it rather funny again, now that he knew it wasn't real. He was fascinated by the costumes and didn't even notice that it disgusted Kate.

Once they got back to the precinct with all the zombies he did notice though that this case frustrated her. There was no lead, no one recognised the zombie from their video, the victim or anyone at first and when they did the lead didn't turn out the way Kate would've liked it.

The guy was dead or at least it had seemed so at first because he literally rose from the dead and made her, Castle and Perlmutter jump in shock. After the first shock she ran after Kyle Jennings and they managed to get him to the hospital. She was glad they finally had a lead. Now she only had to manage to convince Castle to let the zombie part of the case go but he was far too amused by it to let her do that.

Then they went to the hospital and Kate knew what it was that gave her that feeling at the beginning of the case. Feeling that something was going to change.

"When a life altering moment occurs, people remember." Just like that. It hit her. He knew. It was the reason for his behaviour. It must have been. But was she ready? Did it even matter now that they were both making an effort to make this work? This conversation had turned from one about Kyle to one about her and she tried, really tried to make him understand. She was in this relationship a hundred per cent now but maybe it wasn't enough for him yet. But just like she told him, she needed to feel save first. She was getting there, she really was but she needed a little more time and she hoped he got that from her answer.

From that moment on she started to wreck her brain about how she could tell him what she needed to tell him and Castle wasn't much better. He had understood her words perfectly. It wasn't hard to figure out that she'd understood and it seemed to him that he had to be patient. Kate would get there at some point and he would wait for that moment. In the meantime he'd be there for her, would love her, let her love him. It was enough. It had to be enough.

* * *

><p>They wrapped up the case pretty nicely. Castle enjoyed his part a lot and that made Beckett smile. He did make one hell of a zombie, she had to say that and he managed to scare not only Tom into confessing but he also scared Esposito. A thing that seemed almost impossible. She enjoyed seeing Castle having so much fun and had they been alone for a moment she'd probably have kissed him right there and then in that garage.<p>

Back at the precinct she wondered what he was up to with the costume but didn't ask, she would probably find out sooner or later, he wouldn't be able to not tell her.

"He's gonna need therapy," he said and dragged her out of her thoughts again and she nodded.

"It helps. First you won't even be able to deal with it, it's gonna take everything that he's got to just put one foot in front of the other and get through the day."

"I didn't know you were seeing a therapist. How come you didn't tell me?"

"Well…I just wanted to do something, without making any excuses. I think…no, I know that I am almost where I want to be now."

"And where is that?"

"In a place where I can finally accept everything that happened that day." She lightly shook her head. "What I mean to say is. I have. Maybe not everything, not completely but the important thing I have accepted. I…You have to know this. I wasn't ready then. I couldn't. It would never have worked then." She dropped her gaze, not being able to wait for her words to sink in but he just took a step towards her so she looked up again.

"Castle…Rick…That wall I was telling you about. It is coming down." He smiled at her.

"I've noticed."

"Well, I would like you to be there when it really comes down. I'd like you to always be there."

A smile crossed his face again and he hesitantly cupped her cheek. They were still standing in the precinct but no one was watching at the moment so she leaned in.

"I'd like that too," he replied and she smiled. "Maybe without the costume though…"

That made her laugh and she reached up to take his hand away from her cheek and then dragged him towards the elevator.

"I think it kinda suits you, Castle," she said, grinning at him. "Now let's get something to eat, I'm starving," she added and stepped into the elevator. As soon as the door closed she turned to face him.

"So…I guess I'm about to kiss a zombie…wonder what that's like…" she murmured before closed the distance between them and kissed him.

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><p><em>I wonder how I ended up here...that just came out of the blue but I kinda love it xD<em>

_If you feel like reviewing, please do! =)_


	6. Chapter 6 Always

_**A/N: **Second last chapter. Or rather, last chapter with an epilogue to follow. I know it took me ages to finish but well, I am working at the moment and inspiration kinda left me for a while too. I haven't gotten to read over it yet so excuse any mistakes...I just wanted you to finally read it =) The way they started the episode with Beckett hanging off the building and then the cut to the three days earlier inspired me to do that with the story too, just from Castle's point of view. I hope you like what I did with it. The way Andrew and Terri wrote this episode was bejond perfect so this is well...I don't know what. Just is. I hope you still enjoy it though ;D _

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><p><strong>Chapter 6<br>**

Since their last case was over, they had gone through a lot of work again, considering their relationship. They were getting better with every day. Kate stayed over much more again, they talked a bit more openly with each other, they just had come so far in just a about a week, further than during the last well, years almost. Of course they had gone through a lot during these years and had fallen in love over the course of it. But this was different, this was more... They were finally giving in to their love, confessing it openly to each other and enjoying it to the fullest...well, almost. There were still things that were holding them back, him keeping a secret wasn't the best thing but he had still thought it necessary. At least until a few days ago. A few days ago everything went absolutely mental. He was staring into nothingness now, lost in thoughts, angry at Beckett, angry at himself, angry at Montgomery, Mr Smith, "them" and everyone else who had only the slightest bit to do with Johanna Beckett's murder. How was it possible that after those bad weeks that they just had gone through, worked through for that matter, they had reached the end yet again? What had they done to deserve this? What had they done that a relationship seemed impossible, that they seemed doomed to be apart forever? He loved her, there was no doubt, but he couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't watch her destroy herself again, throwing her life away. She had chosen her mother over him and he should've known that she would. It was what drove her, it was what defined her. He really had hoped that after what she'd told him after the zombie case she had gotten over it to a certain extend that she was ready to move on, even without real closure but apparently he had been wrong. Nothing he said to her helped change her mind so he had done the only thing he could to make it easier on both of them. He ended it. Again. And then he walked out of her door and she didn't follow him so now he was standing here, staring. Had it really only been three days since they had gotten this case, the case he had hoped would never come?

* * *

><p>It was astonishing how good they were again, joking with each other. She hadn't stayed at the loft the night before so she didn't know about Alexis and her troubles with her valedictorian speech yet. He had found his daughter sitting on the table, wrecking her brain about what she wanted to say on her graduation day. He could see that she was really concerned about it but he couldn't be of much help, he never had to give that speech. He would have had the talent to write it for sure, but everyone knew it wouldn't have been a very inspirational speech. Funny, yes but inspirational? Definitely not. Too immature. Beckett laughed at him now, explaining exactly that while they were walking to the crime scene together.<p>

"You probably only had you're boxers on," she stated laughing at him as he looked rather shocked.

"If you must know I was naked underneath!" he corrected her and she laughed.

"I stand corrected," she said, still laughing. "How are you coping though?" she then asked and he smiled a little.

"After the ceremony mother is off to the Hamptons and Alexis is doing her all-nighter so I will be distracting myself with a double feature of "The Killer" and "Hard Boiled" and well...I was kinda hoping you would join me...If you want, that is..l"

"Actually...I'd love to," she replied and he happily grinned at her, glad that they were good again. He didn't realised that he had stopped until he headed her calling him.

"You coming, Castle?"

He grinned sheepishly and then followed her to the crime scene, meeting up with the team and Lanie.

They had no idea yet, none of them, that this case would change everything, that it was going to shake them up and that nothing would be the same at the end of it. Orlando Costas had seemed like an ordinary guy, one that used to be a thief but still rather ordinary. He used to run with the Casadores which was bad news but he seemed to have cleaned up and they were all wondering what had gotten him killed. And then they found the car. And the mobile phone with a number that made it clear that nothing about this case would be normal because he had been to Captain Montgomery's house, their dead Captain. It couldn't be a coincidence. All of them knew it, none said it, none tried to think about it. Esposito was the first one to mention it, the first who voiced that it couldn't be a coincidence. Beckett had to take a few breaths, she just didn't want this to be connected, she needed it not to be. But what if it was? She walked into the break room, trying to distract herself from thinking about it too much by making coffee. That's when she heard Castle approach. He was always there when she needed him and now was exactly the time that she needed him.

"Say something reassuring…" she said and he could hear the desperation in her voice. He knew that whatever he was going to say it wouldn't change the fact that she would still think the cases were connected but at least he could try.

"There are thousands of break in in New York every yeah," he answered and took a step closer to her as she turned around.

"This one feels different…" Her voice was concerned and he followed her, laid a hand an her shoulder to reassure her, telling her that Montgomery had worked hundreds of cases and that it didn't mean that this was connected to her mom's murder.

"Then why is our thief dead?" she asked and took the wind out of his sails. It was exactly the problem, the question he had asked himself too. He listened to her words now, almost the first time that they were talking about this. And he realised that there was a decision ahead of him that he had to make, one he was not going to like.

"I wake up sometimes and think, how the hell am I still alive?" He almost squirmed at those words because he knew the answer to it. And he didn't know what he could do to make it easier. He didn't know if he should tell her, how she would react. And what if she was right? What if this was the other shoe to drop, what if it was time for him to really tell her?

* * *

><p>He was staring at his murder board, lost in thoughts when he heard his mother approach.<p>

"Things were finally getting better for her. For us. She was just coming out of her shell and now this" he said with a sad voice.

"Do you really think it's related to her mother's murder case?"

"I hope to God it isn't."

Martha gave him a reassuring smile. She knew how much Beckett meant to him. She had seen them together, she had seen how good they were for each other and how much Beckett had changed throughout the year, how much her son had changed since he had first started following the Detective around. She hoped and prayed just like Richard, that they would be safe, that this was something else, just a coincidence that had nothing to do with Johanna's murder case. But she could feel that her son didn't really believe it, that he hoped it but that he didn't believe it. She heard him sigh and watched him get up, his steps heavy from the weight he was carrying on his shoulders, the secrets, the urge to protect Kate, the fear that he couldn't. He walked past his mother with a sad smile and then made his way out the door to get coffee and to go to the precinct.

When he arrived, Beckett was of course already there, sitting in front of her own murder board. He handed her the coffee and he saw how tired she was.

"Did you get any sleep?" he asked since she didn't come home with him the night before. She had wanted to, she should've done it too but she had known that sleep was improbable and she would only have disturbed Castle's sleep the whole night so she had gone to her apartment.

She now smiled lightly at him, glad for the coffee and for his presence and shook her head.

"Not much."

He sat down next to her and she informed him of the things they had found out overnight and he again saw the desperation in her eyes he had already detected the day before and there was nothing he wanted more than to take her in his arms and comfort her. But they were in the precinct. It was already surprising enough that no one had noticed how much further their relationship had gone in the last month but it probably was because they already were a couple in everyone's mind.

"You're not in this alone, you know," he said now, instead of putting his arm around her and she smiled at him.

"I know," Kate answered, took his hand and looked him deep into the eyes before they got interrupted by Ryan and Esposito again. It was always the same with those two. Beckett quickly let go of Castle's hand and he got up to listen to the news the boys brought.

All of a sudden it seemed that the case might turn for the better, that it had nothing to do with Beckett's mother's murder or her shooting, that in fact, it had something to do with gangs but that hope they all had got broken like a house of glass when ballistics came in for Delcado. He didn't do it but it proved what they all had feared from the moment Montgomery's name had shown up on the investigation. The DNA they found matched her shooting. Her shooting from almost a year ago. There was no doubt left anymore that those cases were related, that she had to deal with "them" again. And she was determined to solve it this time around and for this, she made her team do something she shouldn't have done. She made them not tell Gates because she knew she'd be off the case in no time and she could not let that happen.

* * *

><p>When his phone rang and he picked it up and heard that voice on the other side, he jumped up in relief. He had been waiting for that call for a while now. At first he had hoped it wouldn't come so that he knew it had nothing to do with Kate. But after the DNA results had come, there was nothing else he hoped for more than this phone call. Unfortunately it seemed thought, that Mr Smith could not help him. The only thing he could tell him was to do what he had always done, keep Beckett away from the case but it was already too late for that and that's what he told him. And Mr Smith had no other solution. He just told him to keep her away from it so she could be safe. That was the moment he realised what he had to do instead. He knew she wouldn't just back off like that. Not with new leads, not without a good reason and he hoped like hell that this would be reason enough. He hoped for nothing else even though deep down he had this tiny little bad feeling that hoping wouldn't be enough and that something bad was going to happen, no matter what he did. But he had to try. But when he got to the precinct again, he knew he had to find a better place to do it. Beckett was interrogating Delcado again so he and the boys waited for her. They knew she would get what she wanted, because she was a good interrogator. A very good one. She always knew what to do, rarely ever lost her temper. Expect when it came to her or her mother's case. Something else was driving her when those cases were involved, the search for justice, for closure. When she entered the cell she was calm, ready to do what it took to get the information she wanted by just talking. She was good at that. And she did get what she wanted. Information they could use.<p>

Castle tried to talk her out of the investigation again when she told them what she had found out. She thought it was sweet, his concern but she also thought he should know how much this meant to her and that she wouldn't give up. Naturally, he did know that but before he was revealing his secret to her he wanted to try everything else to make her stop again. He knew he still could make her stop. The interrogation with Orlando's wife proved that she still listened to him, probably more than she used to but every little thing they found out about the case made her only more determined. Orlando's wife, the priest, the tape with Orlando meeting the guy, the picture of the guy, the guy who shot her, everything pulled her deeper into a doom loop and he had to stop her before it was too late so he showed up at her doorstep that night, willing to risk everything they had just to safe her again. She opened the door at his knock and smiled at him.

"Hey," she said and took his hand, leading him into the apartment. Before he could even start, she already told him what Esposito had found out and he had a hard time trying to stop her from talking. Then she realised that something was off and he finally managed to talk, to say what he needed to say.

"Kate, you have to stop," he said and then he explained everything he knew and he watched as the expression on her face changed, he could read how hurt she was, how betrayed she felt but he kept on going, kept on talking because it was all he could do right now. He told her why she was still alive and when she asked him if he was a part of this it broke his heart. And he knew that hers was most likely broken too right now but there was nothing else he could do.

"Kate…" he started but she waved him off, asking what else he knew, who that person was.

"How the hell could you do this?" she asked, disbelieve edged deeply into her voice after he gave her the information.

"Because I love you! You know that I love you. You've known for longer than I thought you did!"

"Are you kidding me, you're bringing this up now?"

"Yes! Because I know that you love me too. I don't care anymore that you knew. That is not the problem anymore. You told me you loved me and that's all that counts for me but I want you safe! Don't you get that? I can't lose you again! So please Kate, please…just listen to me!"

"Why the hell should I listen to you! You tell me you love me but you betrayed me, you lied to me! How am I supposed to trust you!

"Because of everything we've been through together!" he shouted and could feel his voice breaking. "Four years I've been right here. Four years just waiting for you to open your eyes to see that I'm right here! And I am more than a partner! Every morning I bring you a cup of coffee just so I can see a smile on your face because I think you are the most...remarkable, maddening, challenging…frustrating person I have ever met. And I love you Kate and you love me too so please, don't do this!"

"If I care about you? I love you but you cut a deal for my life, like I was a child. It's my life! Mine! You don't get to decide. Not ever!"

"If you don't stop, they are going to decide. They're going to come for you."

"Let them come! I am ready!"

"Ready for what? They turned this into a war."

"If they want a war, I will give them a war."

Whit this he realised there was nothing he could do to make her stop, he realised that he was losing her and that he couldn't do anything against it and he couldn't bear the thought so he did the only thing he could think of to make it easier on both of them.

"Well, I guess there is nothing I can say anymore. So…yes, it is your life. I'm not going to watch you throw it away though. So, this is…over, Kate," he said and made his way to the door without looking back. This was final. After they had just managed to get onto their feet again, taking their steps together, small ones but together it ended in this. The one thing he had always known would be in the way. The one thing that had made her so interesting to him at first. Hadn't she once told him that the thing that attracts you most to a person is also the thing that drives you away in the end? It seemed that she had been right.

And this was where he was now. In his living room, staring at Alexis' graduation gown, not knowing what to do, hating everything and everyone until his daughter came up behind him.

"Everything alright?" he heard her asking and he knew that for her sake he had to keep a straight face, had to be the good father and not the sad and angry man he actually was at the moment. His daughter needed him, needed his support because she was about to finish high school and go to college and it was so much change like she never had before and that was exactly what she told him too. She was scared about moving on and he could do nothing but agree because at this very moment that was exactly his position. He had to move on and he was scared to do so because it meant he had to live with the fact that Kate would die and that he would never see her again and that he had to move forward, find something that would make it easier to live on and deep down he knew there was nothing he could do.

* * *

><p>Her mother's ring spun on the necklace as tears streamed down her face. She looked through a filter of tears at her mother's grave. Vincit Omnia Veritas. Truth conquers all things. But she had still not found the truth and what was the truth even? The truth was that Castle had ended their relationship for good, the truth was that she had chosen her mother's case over the love of her life, the truth was that she was letting it define her again, the truth was that she should not be doing this and the truth also was that she was ignoring all these truths for the sake of finding the one she would probably never get and while ignoring that as well she made her way from the cemetery back to the precinct where no Castle would be waiting but instead a case that had cost her so much already.<p>

"Where's Castle?" Ryan asked her when she got there.

"He's off the team" she answered in a hard voice. The look Ryan and Esposito exchanged didn't escape her notice but she wanted to focus on the case and the boys felt it so they went with it and filled her in on everything they had found out.

Beckett was determined to end this and she was determined to do it alone. She knew how stupid it was but it was another thing she ignored. She had Esposito with her and he would have her back, she knew that. She also knew that Ryan didn't like what she did but she didn't care. All she wanted was Maddox. All she wanted was to find the man who shot her. All she wanted was to end this once and for all so she walked out of the room, Esposito on her heels while Ryan stayed behind. He didn't know what to do except for calling Castle. Castle had always been the one who could talk Beckett out of being stupid. He also knew that that was probably the reason he wasn't here right now because it hadn't worked but he had to at least try. Of course Castle didn't pick up though so Ryan decided to do the only other thing, the right thing for that matter. Ryan didn't know that Castle was on his way to Alexis's graduation and he also didn't know that Kate should've been there too because Alexis had invited her, knowing her mother wouldn't be able to come because she was somewhere in Europe working on an indie movie and she kind of really wanted Kate there because of her father and she didn't know that Kate wouldn't show up because her father hadn't yet told her what had happened.

Ryan also didn't know that Kate was thinking about Castle and Alexis right now, not able to push them from her thoughts because she loved the Castle's but she had other things to do now and she had to forget about them because she had made her choice. And what Ryan also didn't know was that he was about to save Beckett's life with what he was about to do and be vital in making Beckett realise what was most important in her life. Because while Ryan was making his decision of going to Gates and while he was with Gates, Beckett was in a room with Esposito, looking for evidence and clues of what Maddox was up to and then she was fighting with him on a roof top and she had absolutely no control over the fight. Kate Beckett, the strong Detective, had no chance of winning and the next thing she knew was that she was dangling from the roof with nothing but air under her feet and she knew that it was over. And in this moment of clarity there was only one thought in her mind. The only thought that had been in her mind for such a long time that she had gotten so used to it, she had taken it for granted, the only thought that would be with her forever. Castle. And it was Castle's voice she heard before her strength left her, it was Castle's voice that made her hang on for just a tiny little second more but it was not Castle who saved her from the fall.

When she was in the Captain's office her mind was blank. She heard what Gates was saying but she didn't listen. She watched Esposito hand over his gun and his badge and she felt sorry that he had to carry the consequences of her stupidity and stubbornness and she tried to say something but Gates cut her off and there was nothing she could do. When she took her own badge into her hands, she felt the weight of it, she felt the duty that came with it and in her numbness she realised that it wasn't hers anymore, she realised that this job had always been the most important thing in her life next to her mother's murder and that now there was something else that was even more important and she did the only thing that would make her stop, she resigned. It was so clear in her head. No regrets, no guilt, no duty. There was only one thing that would make her happy now and so she packed her things. Almost a year ago she had come back to the 12th, settled in again and now she was going and as right as it had felt back then to be back as right it felt now to leave. She left the 12th knowing it was the right thing to do for now, so she went home, dropped her things off and went to the place that had felt right too almost a year ago. The swing set where she had managed to get Castle back on the team and where she knew she would find the solution of how to get him back now. It didn't matter that it was pouring with rain, it didn't matter that it was cold. She just knew that she had to be there and while she was sitting on the swing her mind wandered, she remembered that it was Alexis's graduation and that Castle had invited her to watch movies together because he was going to be alone that night and so she made her decision.

Kate walked to his loft, called him when she was downstairs. He didn't pick up but she had expected this so she walked up and took a deep breath once she was standing in front of his door before she knocked. He opened the door and his eyes grew hard but she was determined.

"Beckett, what do you want?" he asked her and she had no trouble with the answer.

"You, it's always been you" she said, walked into his loft and kissed him, apologizing all the while. He was hesitant, she could feel it but there was no stopping her.

"What happened?"

"He got away and I didn't care," she answered as the tears were streaming down her face again. "I almost died and all I could think about was you. I just want you."

And then there was no stopping them. All the kisses they had ever shared before where nothing compared to the passion they felt now, all the tension that had been boiling up for four years was now being released in this single moment of truth. She could feel his kisses all over her, felt his hands burning her through the fabric of her clothes and she felt her knees buckle. She had never known what it was that had made them wait to do this earlier in their relationship because both of them had wanted it but both of them had been holding back. Now she knew that both had known that there had still been too many things unsaid between them and that now they had been said. Now they were finally able to consume their passion to the fullest and as she took Castle's hand and led him to his bedroom both of them knew that this was going to be a very long night with no regrets.

* * *

><p><em>Well, that was it. I hope you enjoyed it and I will try to finish the epilogue this week. I only have two mornings left to work so who knows, it might be up by Thursday...no promises though ;) Review, if you feel like it, you know I love to read what you have to say ;) <em>


	7. Epilogue No Regrets

**Epilogue**

There was something warm and soft cuddled up beside him when he slowly woke up. At first he couldn't quite think of what but then he remembered last night and when he lifted his arm and gently stroke her shoulder he knew it had not been a dream. He turned his head towards his alarm clock, saw that it was already nine o'clock and turned his head towards her. She was still sleeping deeply and a smile crossed his face. This was the first time ever that he had woken up before her. Normally she was up and running already by 7am if not earlier. She must have been very exhausted to still be asleep. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead before he wriggled his arm out from under her, trying carefully not to wake her.

Once he was up and had a look at his bedroom, he grinned. Their clothes were scattered carelessly all around the floor. He could still feel her lips on him, her touch that burned his skin, the taste of her, the way her eyes glistened with every kiss, every move and every touch.

He quickly picked the clothes up now and piled them up just so it looked a little less messy before he took his dressing gown to cover himself. Then he turned around to have a look at his sleeping girlfriend and the sight of it took his breath away. The sun was falling on her face, illuminating her features and lighting up her hair like it was on fire. She looked so beautiful and he could hardly believe that she was all his now. There were no secrets anymore, they had fought their way through a dark tunnel and had found the light together. From now on, they would go the rest of the way together and no stone would get in their way anymore. Or if one did, they would move or rather throw that stone away together. Still smiling he walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen. He needed a coffee and something to eat and he was sure Kate would feel the same when she woke up.

The smell of fresh brewed coffee made its way to the bedroom where Kate stirred and slowly began to wake up. She rubbed her eyes and when she opened them she got blinded by the sunlight so she squinted through her half closed eyelids to see the bed empty. She raised an eyebrow. That never happened. She was always the first to wake up and when she looked at the alarm clock just as Castle had done half an hour ago, she could hardly believe what time it was. She still felt pretty exhausted but the smell of coffee made her want to get up, so she turned around and moaned. It seemed like every muscle in her body was hurting from dangling on that building wall – well, not all because of that. Moving slowly she managed to sit up and put one leg after the other on the floor and then stand up. Her stomach grumbled and she smiled as she not only smelled coffee but something else too. After quickly scanning the room and putting some clothes on, she walked into the office and then stood in the doorway to the open living room and kitchen, watching Castle scurry around in the kitchen and she smiled before she walked up to him.

He hadn't spotted her yet since he was balancing a frying pan in his hands. She watched as one of his fingers touched the hot rim and he almost let go of it and turned around to the sink to cool the finger he'd just burned. That's when he spotted Kate walking towards him dressed in nothing but one of his shirts that just about covered her enough. He looked down her endless legs, forgetting about his burn, looked up at her face again and saw the cheeky smirk on her lips.

"Morning," she simply said, took some more steps before coming up behind the counter and taking his hand.

"M…morning…" he stuttered as she turned the tab on and held his hand under the running water and he sighed with relief.

"Forgot about that…" he murmured still not quite capable of thinking properly and she grinned.

"And here I thought you had a good enough look last night…"

"Oh…I did…but I can't get enough," he replied, grinning down at her.

"You know, I wanted to come wake you up…you should've stayed in bed," he added before kissing her gently.

When they pulled away from each other too soon for both their tastes, Beckett looked past him to the frying pan, trying to make out what he was cooking.

"Pancakes," he answered her unasked question and she laughed.

"Don't let Ryan know about this, or we are completely busted."

He grinned at her and then walked to the coffee machine to hand her a freshly made coffee.

"Oh Castle, you're a star," she sighed, stretching her arm out to take the cup from his hand wincing a little.

"Are you alright, Kate?" he asked a little concerned but she nodded.

"I'm fine. Just a little sore, that's all."

"Are you now?" he asked cheekily and reacted too slow to escape her slap.

"Well, then go lie down again and I can pretend that you're still sleeping and I'm gonna wake you up with a perfect breakfast delivered to your bed," he said.

She looked at him with a raised eyebrow and a quick glance at the coffee in her hand and he sighed.

"You may take the coffee with you…" he said and she smiled before swaggering off towards the bedroom again. Castle watched her walk off barefoot and bare legged and he sighed. How did he deserve this again? How was it possible that she really came over last night, telling him all she wanted was him? They hadn't talked much after he had pushed her against his front door they needed no talking to know what they wanted. At least no talking about well, ordinary stuff or what exactly had happened that had made her come around a full 180°. There was plenty of time for that now and he was happier than he could ever have imagined. She was amazing in every possible way. His eyes were still fixed to the point where Kate had disappeared behind the bookshelves of his office when he smelled something burnt.

"Shit, the pancakes!" he exclaimed and leaped over to the frying pan where a very black pancake was sizzling inside.

Twenty minutes later he had managed to make pancakes that were not burned down to a crisp and he loaded them onto a tray with orange juice, a fresh can of coffee, melon, strawberries, strawberry milk shake, a lot of honey, maple syrup, chocolate sauce, marshmallows (yes, he wasn't able to resist). Carefully he walked to the bedroom with it where he found Kate sitting cross legged on the bed, a book in her hand, the coffee on the bedside table and the sun still shining at her back. He stood in the door for a moment before asking, "Whatcha reading?"

She looked up, smiling at him and the tray with their breakfast before holding up the book for him to read the cover.

"Oh!" he exclaimed, "haven't you read that like a thousand times before?" he asked and she laughed.

"Of course I have but I felt like reading it again. We wouldn't be here were it not for Nikki Heat."

He grinned at that, walked to the bed and placed the tray on the mattress before sitting down himself.

"I guess that is kinda true. Although technically it was "Flowers for your grave" that brought us together in the first place…"

Kate bobbled her head, "Technically you could say that. But you could also say that I saved you from your…writers block… by inspiring you to write the Heat novels." All the while she grinned cheekily with a raised eyebrow and as it so happens, Castle didn't know what to respond to that because she was perfectly right – if he was honest with himself.

He cleared his throat. "Anyway…" he stressed, "let's have breakfast, shall we?" he said and she grinned at him while taking a plate with a couple of pancakes and pouring maple syrup on top of it.

"I so knew you were a maple syrup kind of person!"

"Oh well, I do have a sweet tooth…sometimes…"

He smiled, took a strawberry and held it in front of her to take a bite which she did without hesitation. They were both rather hungry and ate more or less in silence and when they were done, Castle put the tray down on the floor and then lay back on the bed again, as did Kate.

"I resigned, you know…" she said quietly, staring up at the ceiling with her arms behind her head.

"You did what?" Castle asked astonished and turned around to face her.

"I resigned," she simply repeated before adding, "Ryan…Ryan told Gates where Espo and I had gone. He saved my life by doing so but Gates had us suspended. And while Esposito gave her his gun and batch I was thinking of that moment when I was dangling from that building and how all I could think about was you and how this case wasn't worth dying for. I realised that the only way to let go of it was by resigning so that's what I did. I resigned."

He'd been listening quietly to her, totally taken aback by what he heard. They really didn't talk last night and this was big. Really big.

"Just….just like that?" he asked once he finally managed to find his voice again.

She nodded.

"And…what are you going to do now?"

"I…I don't know. Be with you for starters."

He smiled widely at her pressing a kiss to her elbow 'cause it was closest to reach.

"That's a good thing."

"Is it?"

"Well…it's what we've been saying all the time lately. We both got caught up in work stuff so much we neglected to take care of this relationship. Hence all the troubles we've had even before this really had a chance to start. Now we do have this chance and we can use it."

Kate nodded again, "You are right, it is good. But now that I have time to think about my reaction I also start to wonder what's next. I've never really done anything else in my life. If it weren't for you…my life would be pretty much gone now."

"Hey…" he said, "we'll figure it out. Together."

Kate then turned around as well to look at him. She reached her hand out and placed it on his cheek, stroking it with her thumb. "I know," she whispered before leaning in and kissing him deeply.

* * *

><p>They spent the next couple of days doing this and that. Kate mostly was at the loft watching Castle trying to finish Frozen Heat. She still hadn't managed to get any spoilers out of him except the ones that were already out and about. About 36 hours after she'd shown up at his doorstep she got a furious phone call from her best friend, shouting at her about not talking to her about resigning and not talking to her about anything and how she'd had to find out through Esposito who was feeling miserable and who was furious at Ryan and that never happened, not like this and Beckett had to shout back into the phone several times before Lanie caught her breath and stopped talking.<p>

"I'm fine, Lanie! Really! I just needed some time to think and well…then I ended up at Castle's and I've pretty much been here ever since…"

"Wait, you're at the loft?" her friend asked back.

"Yeah…why?"

"So you two made it? You finally managed to work it all out?"

Kate nodded, forgetting for a second that Lanie couldn't see her so she answered, "Yeah, we've made it. It took a while… Like really, a lot. But if we can get through all that we've already been through, the rest should work out as well…shouldn't it…"

"S'pose so…So, you know I want all the details, right? I mean not just about Castle and all…"

"I know, Lanie, I'll tell you sometime, I promise. But right now, I'm kinda busy…"

Both women then laughed and said goodbye after setting a time to get lunch together the next day.

Beckett then called Ryan. She had never really thanked him for saving her life because he'd informed Gates but like she told Castle, without him, she'd be dead by now and since Lanie'd told her about Esposito not talking to his partner she felt like she needed to do this.

He picked up the phone after she'd tried five times and they did talk for a while. She didn't tell him about her situation with Castle, the boys would find out soon enough but she told him how grateful she was and that she was sure Espo would come around as well. It really wasn't what they'd normally do after something like this, talking. But she wasn't a cop anymore, was she…and she had learnt that sometimes talking was a good thing.

On Sunday morning she was first to wake up again. After lying in bed awake for a while she poked Castle gently to wake him up.

"I want to take you somewhere…" she whispered, not sure whether it was a good idea. She'd been thinking about it for a while now and it seemed right now.

He grumbled as he looked at his watch.

"You know, I liked you a lot better when you were sleepy and all a few days ago…" he mumbled and rolled over so that he almost landed on top of her. She smiled up at him, lifting her head to close the distance to kiss him before pushing him off.

"I know. Now get up, come on."

Once they were showered and dressed and had had their coffee, she dragged him outside, past a flower shop where she bought a bunch of lovely white, and deep red chrysanthemums.

"Where're we going?" Castle asked confused as Kate pulled over a cab but his question was answered as she gave the cabbie the address.

"It's Sunday…," he whispered, "Mother's Day…"

Kate only took his hand and he squeezed it as the cab wound through the streets. It came to a halt by the cemetery's entrance and they got out.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because you've been with me a long way and you've been there, trying to help and I never let you close enough. This is part of me and I want you to be part of it too. She would've liked you. No, I know she did. At least as an author. But she would've liked you and I wish you could've met her."

"I would've loved that too," he answered and took her hand into his again.

Kate led the way that she had gone too often but still not enough. She didn't come here that much. Mostly just when she was out of ideas and needed a place to think and to be herself, but in the past year she'd been her a lot more. Somehow her mother always knew what to say and it helper her to come here and remember her mother. Once Beckett slowed down Castle spotted the grave immediately and not because of the name written on it but on the quote. _Vincit Omnia Veritas. _

"Truth conquers all," he said and watched Kate place the flowers carefully on the grave.

"And one day it will, but for now, there's us," she replied as they stood in front of her mother's grave.

"And you still don't regret your decision of resigning?"

"No. No regrets at all. For nothing I decided in the past few days."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Final note:<strong>  
><em>

_I could've went on writing about their lives, including other people and stuff but I feel that this is a good place to end it. _

_Again, THANK YOU for reading and I do hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it =)_

_Love, love =)_


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